Tuesday, January 18, 2011

my flu, deconstructed

Everyone hates being sick.

(Actually I liked being sick as a kid because I'd rather lay in bed all day than go to school. The only proviso being barfing. Barfing is never cool.)

But being sick, over the age of 18, is extra sucky. Because when you're a grown-up:

-You have to tell people at your work (or college, if I rewind far enough) that you're sick.
I always think that people don't believe I'm really sick.

In fact, I had this one job that I had for 4 years, I was forced to come in, no matter how sick I was (as long as it wasn't intestinal, see above), because my boss would always come in, no matter how sick she was. She even came in when she had pink eye (!), how messed up is that?

All because of the almighty dollar.

And that's the thing, I don't care about the dollar when I'm sick. When I'm sick I go into desperation mode, and think thoughts like: "I can't possibly get out of bed because I'm so miserable, and I'm willing to give up one of my kidneys or shave my head or eat ramen for a whole year to be able to stay in bed."
I won't lie, I've contemplated adult diapers because of the misery of getting out of bed. Never acted on that one, but I'm not above it, if I were sick enough.

But back to the idea of work. I had to take off a week in Dec because of the first time I got the flu, then I had 2 weeks furlough days around Christmas. Then I took of 3 days because of my birthday last week and now it looks like I'm gonna have to be off another week. I can just feel how irritated people are at me. Even if they're not, I feel it anyway.
So out of guilt, I work some from home even though I feel like I have the black plague, which stresses me out, and probably makes my flu last longer.

-The kids totally take advantage of me.
Within 2 hours of returning from school this afternoon, the kids had emptied a bottle of my perfume and hung from the towel rack and promptly broke it.
Yesterday I had to spank Kid R 5 times before 9am.
They are completely merciless. Good thing we don't have stairs, because if I were to fall down them, they would just jump on my lifeless body until dawn.
Kevin would find me dead, surrounded by empty marshmallow bags and nestle morsels ground into the carpet like a chocolate chalk outline.

-The rest of the family gets sick.
If we all got sick at once, that'd be one thing, then we all take the same amount off of work and school and that's it.
But it's a stepped process. My flu started Sunday, and it will probably last until the middle of next week. Kid C got sick today so she'll probably be out of school for a week. And then Kid R and Kevin will follow suit in a few days.
I'll be forced to stay at home with two kids that aren't really sick, but have enough cooties to keep them out of school (!)
(Very rarely does an illness keep them from bouncing off the walls. Kid C had pneumonia last year and the only way I could tell was from her temperature. She was still acting like WWF Smack Down was scouting in our neighborhood.)

-Total breakdown of hygiene and motivation.
Talk about smelly cat! When I have a fever/body aches/chills, the last thing I want to do is get in the shower. Showers and their fluctuating temperatures, *shudder*.
Toothbrushing, is that really necessary when I can barely stand up straight?
My hair looks akin to that of a meth-addict, and my couture is replaced by pajamas. I actually wore my pj's in public to pick up the kids afterschool. Good thing I live in Sockwithsandalsland where the fashion bar is low (just above "rural Alaska.")

Calorie count? Exercise? Right out the window. I'm getting bloated and fatter and achier and smellier by the minute. I feel super gross and my pillow case is a silent dirty witness to it all.

And it's not ending anytime soon! All of this mentioned above will repeat for the next week (or more! no!)

Peril!

1 comment:

ro said...

How do you make sick sound so hilarious? I especiallynlike the idea of stairs and the dead body, marshmallows, etc. Oh lol...