Thursday, April 27, 2006

I know it's Thursday

Today, the bug and I took a walk to the library to return some books. She was pretty happy on the way but as soon as we made a little stop at the church thrift store next to the library she started gettin' crunk.
Of course very very nice people look at her and try to get her to cheer up. But what they don't know is that she thinks strangers, no matter how pleasant or granny-like, are monsters. And she cries hysterically at the "monsters."
This happens anywhere in public where people make eye contact with her and say hi: the grocery store, church, the chiropractor, bookstore, etc.
So yes, we're in the store and these nice church ladies feel terrible because she's wailing, with tears streaming down her face. And I know she won't feel better until we leave, but I hadn't paid for my 70's buckskin blazer yet. They kept handing her toys in futility. Upon leaving, the lady behind the counter handed her a little teddy bear and said she could keep it.
I think she's gonna grow up to cry her way out of speeding tickets.


I should buy this and have her wear it as a warning.

Of course, 60 seconds after we entered the library, next door, she sees people and begins bawling again. U-turn! No new books today!

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

Baby Tuesday

Before I entered the world of babies, I would look at plastic bags that say "THIS IS NOT A TOY" and say to myself "who thinks this is a fun toy?"
What I have learned is that this baby does indeed love plastic bags. Loves them.
She also loves string, wires, pens & pencils, paper, tissue, grass, and cardboard.
None of these things resemble baby toys at all. I don't think toy manufacturers have ever seen a baby, much less watch one play.
She will eat paper. As in chew a piece off and swallow it. You'd think she'd think "oh eww," and spit it out. Nope, down the hatch.

Monday, April 24, 2006

Baby Tuesday, early again


Can you see her teeth? No, not really, I know.




After three attempts to show her happy in her vintage highchair I gave up. I swear she really likes it. But the unhappy faces are so funny.

Heavy on the videos this week. We've got crawling, it's hard to capture a crawl in a still shot.





photos of the Maker Faire


You display a cut out of Burt Reynolds in rhinestones, I will come over and see your project.


This was an robot painter. It was more of a bunch of line painters, but it was neat to watch just the same. Nevermind I'm watching the floor.


Here's a station wagon I can handle.


We took the "cadillac" stroller as I call it. The baby didn't care, she just wanted to be held.


Can you feel the energy? That was the goal of this shot. Oh and the guy wearing the bright orange Crocs, the counter to the hot pink ones I wore.

blimey, that's pukka


Tonight, my breadwinner mentioned that there is a position open in his company in London. I started popping off about all the benefits of Socialism and that's when he said it would only be for about a year. It's not temporary, but he doesn't think he would want to stay there longer than that.
Gorgeous, I thought. That's a perfect amount of time, every major holiday would be spent there, I could even have the experience of trying to find pumpkin in the grocery stores there on Thanksgiving.
Other items that fall in the "pro" column would be:
Our next baby would likely be born in the UK so s/he would have dual citizenship.
I could visit the pasty homeland of my forfathers.
I already speak the language.
Brits love candy.
Cons would be:
Bombers love London, always have.
No family, no friends.
No Target, Goodwill or Ross.
We would have to rent our lovely little house.

Please participate in my first ever blog poll that I've added to the sidebar.
Over thataway. -->

Would you like to come to my pee party?

Now that Cricket is somewhat crawling, I scheduled carpet cleaners to come this morning and suck all the filth out of our carpets.
We have a third bedroom that is used mostly for storage right now but we also have the cat food, cat tree and cat-litter-igloo, so we don't keep it closed because Olive needs to get in. Many times I have found that the dogs have peed on something in that room, usually plastic things. They are punished and I attempt to clean it as well as I can. I haven't spent time in there in a while other than to get something and get out (and away from the cat litter!). I thought it was probably a good idea to clear the stuff off the carpet so that the guys can clean the carpet in there since it's never been cleaned since we moved in.
I was aghast at how much stuff had been peed on!!!!!
AARGH!!
Those friggin dogs, they were having they're own "who can pee on more stuff before someone notices" competition in there. Sick!

Sunday, April 23, 2006

Bazaar bizarre

The Maker Faire was the best fair I have ever attended. True it didn't have Big Tex or a freak show, unless you count of all of us attendees, but it had a mobile glass blower and inflatable sheep-whales that sensed human movement.
It was like we were two honeybees who found our hive. And it was full of honey!!! I can't describe how cool it was, there was too much stuff to recount here. I'll add photos of it tomorrow.
Jenna was there at the Bizarre Bazaar selling her wares amongst many other fabulous crafters. I don't care for the quilty-scrapbook-y craft-o-ramas, but these ladies sold pink dinosaur arm bands, cupcake scarves, guitar pick earrings and nifty art wallets, one of which I purchased. I gleaned lots of good ideas of things i could make myself, mostly things that didn't require too much sewing or knitting. Glue and paint is more my style.
Hooray for "makers!"

Friday, April 21, 2006

it is not!

My comment just got denied on Church Marketing Sucks for "questionable content."
What's questionable about this:
"I'm wary of anyone of authority that likens themselves to a holy figure in the Bible. Not that Moses didn't have his flaws. But it always seems like a tacky way to justify ones motives or actions."

I didn't mention viagra, college degrees or sexy singles even once! I didn't even use the word sucks.

Thursday, April 20, 2006

the cat's got nubbies now


not really our cat, but I'll be darned if this ain't her doppleganger
I first learned about claw-nubs from Thom on Queer Eye. Just one more reason why he's my favorite member of the Fab 5.
I thought only veterinarians could apply them, but on my last visit to the petfood store, I noticed the store cat had purple claws. I said "oh did the vet put those nail covers on?" and the young fellow replied "uh no, you can buy them and put them on."
It made my day. Of course *I* didn't intend on having any part in putting them on. That's a job for the man of the house.
Tonight, he nubbed the cat, I helped just a little, but the cat nip helped alot more.

Now her nails look better than mine. And our red leather chair just breathed a sigh of relief.

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

this is the most cliche post I have ever written...

...but does it creep you out that weirdos and pervs are allowed to raise innocent children?

Yeah me too.

Where is the childwelfare super hero?

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

adendum

She also got her first tooth last week.
People like to know these things.

Baby Tuesday

Okay, sorry for the delay, technical difficulties a.k.a. the camera's batteries were kaput.


This is how the bug takes a bath now, and the bikini I swore I'd never wear again makes a comeback during bathtime. I find the black and white was much kinder to me in this one.


"Hi, I'm Jeff Goldblum in drag, nice to meet you."
I promised him I wouldn't crop myself out of this shot. The baby looks cute though doesn't she, in her vintage handmade 1930's dress?


We thought it prudent to install a modesty-duckie in this shot.


Easter at the grandparents' house. Her father's hair was extra Partridgey on Sunday. It's my fault, I'm his barber.





(Auntie Sandi gave her this ensemble, even the shoes.)


The ending is fraught with suspense! Don't worry folks, she got the shoe after the camera went dead and all was well.

Monday, April 17, 2006

learned somethin'

Did you know that if you leave a steel pot on the stove on high heat for too long that you can melt the pot into molten steel that will drip onto the floor, and melt the linoleum?
Neither did I.
If I did, I would have at least worn foot protection and not given myself third degree burns on my toes.
Honey, if you read this, we're gonna need another pot. I killed it.

Gotta go air out the burning-linoleum smell out of the house...

the lies stop here

Some of you will need to sit down for this. It's going to rock your world.

MYTH #1. "My eyes are green but sometimes when I'm sad they turn blue and when I'm happy they're kinda hazel."

BUZZZZZ! No, I'm sorry that's a load of horse apples.
"Unlike what is commonly believed, the iris does not change colors in an adult (except in the case of certain pathologies, such as pigment dispersion syndrome), although it may appear to do so depending upon the color of clothing a person is wearing. Moreover, the color(s), texture, and patterns of each person’s iris are as unique as a fingerprint."
Ted M. Montgomery,
Optometric Physician



MYTH #2 "I can't shave my ____, it'll come back thicker and darker."

BUZZZZZZ! That's a crock too.
"Cutting does not stimulate new growth. (If it did, those going bald would be shaving afflicted areas to encourage regrowth of what they're losing.) This belief probably stems from the perception that short hair seems to be tougher than longer hair. Hair expert Philip Kingsley recommends thinking of a bamboo cane: a long cane flexes easily, but the same cane cut short feels harder and tougher. Another reason for the belief resides with the naturally finer ends of uncut hair: compare the end of a long-lived hair with that of a hair recently cut or shaved, and you'll see the one is thicker than the other. That could lead the less-than-careful to conclude that the whole of the hair's shaft became thicker as a result of the hair's being cut (which it didn't) rather than to realize that shaving or cutting results in a blunt termination, whereas natural outgrowth concludes in a tapering."
Snopes.com


Okay? Everyone clear?
Please stop perpetuating these myths. I'm done arguing about them.

Saturday, April 15, 2006

dayenu!

We had our fourth annual (Messianic) Passover seder last night. Despite poor Evite attendance, we had 11 people for dinner. Bad juju evite.
I got smart this year and made almost everything earlier in the day.Last time I nearly gave myself a nervous breakdown trying to prepare every dish to be ready right when we would eat it.
I made enough potatoes to feed an Irish village and kosher brownies and chocolate cakes that came out looking like I used an Easy Bake oven. Despite the absence of leaven and dairy, they were tasty!

We watched the The Passion afterwards on our giganto screen. I bought it yesterday with the thought "maybe we'll make a habit of watching it every year." Now I'm thinking every two years will be fine.


Nothing uses every dish in your kitchen like a passover seder.

Thursday, April 13, 2006

bizarro mojito



When people meet our little chi-weenie Mojito, often they say "Oh where did you get him? Do they sell more?" And we say "No, he's the last of the Mojitans."
But tonight I found another member of the tribe!
(I'm confused at the Blythe doll phenomenon, btw, totally in the dark)

I'm not determined enough to be bonkers

We watched a NOVA about the Piltdown Man, the greatest scientific fraud in history.
There are a handful of people that are suspected to have engineered the hoax, one of those was Martin Hinton. Apparently he's a likely character because he worked at the museum, had motives and was generally an odd chap. It was reported that he carried around a beaver's skull in his coat pocket for years.
That takes dedication.
Some mornings I can't even remember to put on deodorant, much less carry around a big rodent bone.
Conclusion: Crazy people are way more organized than I am.

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

why did the chicken go to the library?


I went to library this afternoon because I needed what I call a "dumb read." Usually the books I buy for myself are thinking-books that require concentration and are low on the entertainment scale. They're good books, but the problem is I like to read right before bed. And before bed is the time for mindless entertainment. Not Danielle Steele dumb, just not apologetics or alernative economics textbooks.
I had forgotten how much I love the library. Free stuff, free entertainment, free information, how great is that? Thank you Ben Franklin. I checked out Holidays on Ice and Sex Drugs and Cocoa Puffs, per Allison's recommendation. I wanted to get more but I have to pace myself. I read about 3 pages a night before falling asleep, so it takes me about a month to finish a book. I'm stoked to go back and just get a random book of the "New Books" shelf, like a mysterious jelly donut.

And the chicken, yeah. For the second time in my life I roasted cornish game hens for dinner. However tonight the recipe called for splitting the chickens with kitchen shears. I psyched myself up for it. I'm going to stick those scissors in the bird corpse and cut it in half. Yep. That's what I'm gonna do.
I couldn't do it. I almost became a vegetatrian right then and there because it was so disturbing. I skinned and disected a housecat in high school Anatomy class, but somehow the chicken was different.
I gave up and just roasted them whole like last time. They were still tasty little squabs, split or not.

Monday, April 10, 2006

Baby Tuesday. 23 min early


Saturday was a fantastic day. I mean it, it was really good. The weather was absolutely perfect. Because it had been raining all week, all the neighbors were out in the their yards or walking around. Very Saturday in the Park. The "kids" and I walked about 3 miles to the nearest mall. The dogs walked on leashes until we reached the doors and then I stowed them under the stroller against their will. Other than Mojito's attempt at escape in front of the Foot Locker, the dog'n'babe stroller was a success and quite a crowd pleaser. "Mommy, look! Puppies! Puppies going for a ride!" hehe. The greatest fun was strolling through the china department at Macy's and thinking "this is so wrong, dogs and crystal vases."




I don't totally understand this little tech-joke shirt that Kevin bought for her. I mostly understand the last part. We submitted it on www.thinkgeek.com.




Easter is coming! But if this little bunny shows up at your house on Sunday, don't accept her chocolate eggs. She gives them to me all the time, and trust me, you don't want 'em.

Sunday, April 09, 2006

I bite my thumb at big movies

I rented two DVD's this weekend and I'm pleased to announce that they were excellent!

Mirror Mask ****
This is the best kids movie I have seen in a very long time. We'll probably buy it for the bug when she's old enough to care. I'll add it to the Secret of Nimh that I bought in her name I bought a few months ago .
"Eye scorching screen candy, " was the acclaim on the back of the box, and I'd say that's pretty accurate, it was very pretty. Happy ending too, I like that.

Bingo ****
If you liked Hands on a Hardbody, you'll like Bingo. It is what it claims, a documentary about Bingo. Lots of bad fashion, bad hair, lucky trolls, and cute old people.

Friday, April 07, 2006

If I could write a book, it would probably be like this


The Big Book of Baby Animal Butts.
I am totally going to buy this for my daughter and my niece.

how 'bout that?


I just learned that Kim Mathers, Eminem's soon to be ex-wife, and I have the same birthday.
I've never been to Detroit or rehab, the birthday is really where the similiarities end.

I like to say the word "plinth"

U.S. business market, I am no friend of yours.
I'm sorry, but American cars, past 1977 don't satisfy me.
And I'd like to support local companies and let them build a new kitchen for us, but IKEA has won my heart. Even the countertops will be IKEA, and you know why? Because Americans charge too much (and Tuscan design can eat my shorts).
45,000.00 for a new kitchen?
What am I a moron?
No, sir. My new best friend IKEA will cut that by 90%.
Can you beat that?
No, you can't and you're lucky that people in Plano and Almaden Valley will fall for your schemes and pay your silly prices, or you'd be SOL.

Work begins next week on this!

(my photoshop rendering of the soon to be kitchen)

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

is this why people snap?

The other day I had an independent thought.
I realized that I carry a marginal amount of guilt around all the time about the stuff I should be doing. And then I further realized how stressful my life would be if I did all the things I'm supposed to do.

On any given morning I should:
brush teeth, min 2 minutes
floss, 2 minutes
read Bible, 30 minutes
pray, 15 minutes
workout, 15 min prep, 1 hour exercise, 15 stretch
take shower, 15 minutes
blow dry hair and style, 30 minutes
make-up, 5 minutes
prepare nutritious breakfast and eat at normal pace, 45 minutes


That's FOUR hours of shoulds! That doesn't take into consideration the morning needs of pets, husband and baby, which are not standardized-shoulds.
I know someone who reads this is pretty close to doing that every morning. Fess up if it's you, and then go relax.

S.A.D.:Silly Acronym Disease


Two local newscasts in a row have spent extensive blocks of airtime talking about SAD/seasonal affective disorder.
If you're not familiar with it or you didn't watch the news last night or this morning, it's what "experts" call getting depressed when it's dreary or wintery.
The "experts" droned on and on about how people need to watch happy movies, go for a walk and have friends over.
Uh huh.

Where do we live?
California.
We have like 11 5/6 months of sunshine.

C'mon, suck it up people. We live in the Disneyland of the world, a few clouds shouldn't plunge you into the pit of despair.

Baby Tuesday


She was smiling until it flashed.


Bow-head in the dark.


Bow-head in the light.

Her latest accomplishment is doing "baa baa"s. I give you three short documentary films trying to capture the bleating.




This one cracks me up everytime.

Sunday, April 02, 2006

keep talking, I'm listening


The entire family, dogs included, cat excluded, drove up to the Toyota dealership to help the father-in-law pick out interior trim color for his new Prius. While we were trying to find each other we noticed a very bright blue SUV that we'd never seen before. I liked it, but then we had other business to take care of so we couldn't look very closely.
After we got home with our NEW used dining room set (!), we checked the net to see what it had to say about the FJ Cruiser.
I've always liked the old Land Cruisers from the 70's. In fact, my dream car, the late 60's Ford Bronco is kinda similar. (I saw one for sale the other day, and I saved the number on the winshield to my cell phone, just to feel like I was close to having one).
Anyway, we think we like the FJ. We had planned on buying a Honda Element in the next couple of years, but it really bothered me that it only seats four. This would get in the way of my other dream of adopting a third child (third to the second who is yet to exist). The FJ seats 5! And it can be hosed out and abused just like Element. But it's gas milage isn't as good, although not Hummer or Suburban bad milage. It's a tad more expensive and my biggest fear is looking like a balla'. I don't want to drive an evil SUV, I want to drive a nice and friendly SUV.

What do y'all think?

Saturday, April 01, 2006

Lost: pet wallet.


Have you seen me?


I lost my wallet yesterday. Not my entire purse, thank goodness, but my new wallet is no more.
I'm not sure how it left me, but I think it was somewhere between the screaming baby in the post office and the car parked a block away. Who knows.
Obviously I have to buy another new wallet and I'm gonna get a new purse too. The one that was an accessory to the crime (unintentional pun) was very shallow and ill-clasped. Let ye be warned the dangers of narrowed magnetic snap purses.