Monday, January 16, 2012

Pinning- with amazing results!

Pinterest knows there are surly and snarky people like me, who like to rain on people's cheeziness. They have designed a site that forces me to be positive. God might have helped fund it just to make me a better person.

But I do a lot of eye rolling. A ton. A metric ton (I'm not sure if it's bigger, but it sounds bigger.) Some people can't tolerate cheese because of a bad lactose reaction. I can't tolerate cheez, because my tastes are wired like a man's. (this kind of man, not that kind of man)
It's why I couldn't be in Las Madres, and why I'm the odd mom at the Girl Scout meetings, why I can't go to pyramid scheme parties, and why Live Laugh Love makes me want to break something.

Pinterest doesn't allow me to have a lampoon easily, but since Blogger does (kisses!) I'm going to share with you something amazing (read: <3 * :) AMAZING * :) <3 ) that I have noticed on Pinterest.
These items are so good you might already have picked up on them by now, but if not, you'll be grateful I let you in on the secrets:


1.Hairstyles that will make you look scalding hot!

Haircut is everything! Celebrity hairstyles are the key to total hotness. The reason someone pinned this photo with "love this hairstyle" is because that is why Demi is so hot, long straight hair, duh. That pinner knows the secret!

So I pinned this pic of Crystal, you've seen her on TV I'm sure. I bet that hairstyle even helped Brandon find his missing box of condoms (see caption if you're confused). The right hairstyle not only changes your whole appearance, it can change your life.



2. The right eyeshadow can give you a face like an aphrodite-angel-temptress!

Extra chins and cystic acne got you feeling like you should wear a burka even though you're not Saudi? Well with a few brushes of the right mineral shadow and you'll go from this:

(here's a photo I took of myself this morning before I put on the eyeshadow someone pinned)

TO THIS!


See how just a little bit of violet powder applied the right way can make you look <3 * :) AMAZING :) * <3 ??? I looked just like that when I walked out of my bathroom, no joke.

Yes. It changes everything. No wonder we spend 8 billion a year on these magical beauty elixirs of life!


3.The perfectly styled ensemble will make you hotter than the plasmic surface of the sun.

I needed a new swimsuit, so I waited until someone pinned one that I thought was really cute.
Because last year I got a one piece and I don't think it really worked on me. Here's a photo of me at the beach:

You see what the problem was, right? I'll give you a hint...



That's right! It was missing polka dots!
They changed everything. Thank goodness someone pinned this swimsuit, because I look super hot in it. My thighs are as narrow as my upper arms and my upper arms are the same as a 4th graders! Not to mention my smooth lustrous cappuccino skin tone and my thick long hair (no hot rollers or extensions necessary! the right swimsuit does it all!)


My legal team requires me to tell you: The reason we think something looks really pretty/cool isn't because of the style/product in the photo, it's the insanely beautiful/thin person sporting it in perfect lighting shot by a professional.

Post script: Pinterest has made me hate weddings. Wait, I mean, HATE weddings.
Just like Facebook made me hate Farmville. Farmville is probably very nice, with virtual pigglets and cows that never get slaughtered. But I hate it and you might even hate it too because it's all over Facebook annoying the crap out of us!
Likewise with wedding stuff on Pinterest.
I had a wedding, it was fine.
I've been to weddings, they were fine.
Whatever.
It's like 2 hours of your 683,306 hours of lifetime. It could melt everyone's face off with how awesome it is, and then it's over and you have to unload the dishwasher again and floss your teeth, and so does everyone else.
That's not to say that a wedding should be tragic and sad, it should be happy and nice, and all that.
But I've reached my limit and now if I see another "save the date" idea I think I'm going to throw up my Filet-o_Fish all over my keyboard.

4 comments:

Kate said...

And this is why I love you!

CP said...

I love your snarkiness :) I had a good laugh with this, thank you!

ro said...

like

Julie Gould said...

I totally agree that it has made me hate weddings! Great post.