This is my roguest move ever

Is roguest a word? No? Well it is now.


I've decided that is necessary for me to do stand up comedy.
Yes, that's right.
But not like this:

I'm gonna leave the accordian out of my act.

Aurora can testify that I loved watching the Comedy Channel when I was a kid. (Before it was all South Park and MadTV, it was poor qulity videos of stand ups over and over and over)
I find myself doing shtick with anyone I talk to, which I think irritates them.
I know very very few funny people here in Sockswithsandalsland. In fact, general rule is, if the person is wearing Teva's, they have a horrible sense of humor (and style!).
To be concise, I'm tired of my jokes falling on deaf ears.

I don't go see stand up live very often because usually the people are just X-rated frat guys that try to stuff their 8 minute set with as many F bombs as possible. Which isn't clever or smart. They tell the kind of jokes you tell when your 8th grade study hall monitor leaves the room, and you try to impress your butterball friends with your imaginary sex-scapades.


I made the mistake of telling a guy I know who does stand up that I was interested in doing it. He pounced on the idea and now I have a week to get my material together.

I'll be using some stories from this here blog, because c'mon some of my past posts are gold, baby.

America's Drive In, I am an American!

When living in TX, I took Sonic for granted.
I took the whole Dallas barrage of eatery options for granted.

That's fine, out here I don't have Whataburger, or Taco Cabana, or Cafe Brazil, or Waffle House, or Taco Bueno, or Chuy's. But they don't advertise here and tease me.

Sonic does!

The TV stations here advertise for Sonic Drive-Ins all the time!

The nearest Sonic is 60 minutes away, but I've decided that one big Ocean Water is worth it. Ok, maybe I'd have to add some cheese tots to really make it worth it.
But I'm gonna do it.

Next month, I'm going to make a pilgrimage there. Who's with me?!

Baby Tuesday

Hi, howarya'?
We've got 3 videos and two pics.

We got back from her 9 month check up with very little crying. The doctor needed to prick her finger and she didn't peep. Very strange!
I was little embarrassed that she still had the temporary dinosaur tattoo on her arm and fish on her back but they didn't come off as easily as I thought they would in the bath. I'm sure they're weren't surprised considering I'm her mother.

In news, she's standing by herself and she took her first successful no-cry bath! Woo!






Cousin Scoutie is the baby with the pool. We just have the front yard and the dog's water bowl to play in.



(Our pot rack hasn't been installed yet, can you tell?)

I'm here because the world needs to suck less

There's a pool in our neighborhood with a terrible sign.
Terrible.
The place is a little run down, nothing's been changed since they built it in the 60's. I went there last year to see if I could swim there and a bitter teen behind the counter told me that they only sell "family passes" for the entire summer and they cost $400.00.
Uh okay, weirdos. See ya.

But that darn sign, I have to keep looking at it when I drive around. The peeling camp-green paint, the howdy doody lettering.
Isn't somebody going to do something about it?!

I decided, if it's got to be, it's got to be me. Or however that phrase goes.

I casually strolled by a few weeks ago with the baby and the dogs, armed with a tape measure to get the dimensions of the ugly sign. And then I proceeded to design and execute the cool pool sign, that would fit exactly over it. Roughly 3 x 6 feet.

I finally finished a couple of days ago. I'll be honest with you, up close, there are lots of oopses, but from the street, it'll be brilliant.

I was going to arrange to meet the person to owns/manages the place and give it to him/her but when I call, there's just an answering machine.

So this morning we all loaded up in the car and took it over there. No one was working the counter, just a person giving swim lessons, so I left it there with a note.

When I drove back by an hour later, I could see there was a little crowd around looking at it.
(yay!)


This is pretty close to what it ended up looking like (the tan color represents wood grain). Except the "swim center" was in black.
I hope they hang it. Gosh, they'd better hang it.

the hard sell heebie jeebies

I hate when anyone tries to sell me something directly. I'm an american and I like to sit back and make up my mind about things, at my leisure.

This is why I will never ever ever buy a car off a dealer alone. In fact, I plan to have a negotiator that I will be in contact over walkie talkie, if a car purchase becomes necessary.
Watching King of Cars only solidifies this trepidation of mine. Bottom line, they want your money. They're getting you coffee because they ant your money. They're remembering your name because they want your money. It's sick, but I love watching it all.

Anyone who comes the door, no matter how much I might need what you're selling, I'm going to say no and shut the door in your face (beware cult members, this goes for you too).

I go into Target yesterday and as I'm standing in line I hear the barely-out-of-high-school checker in the line beside me try hard to sell the woman a Target card. I thought "oh he's new they must have told him to push it." I get up to my checker and the first thing she says to me is some silly sleeze line like "I'm gonna make you a great offer, are you interested?"
[[[alarm bells]]]
"what's that?" I say
And she proceeds with her spiel about the Target credit card, but all I hear is "I get a commission for every person I sign up. I'm hoping you're a big dumbass and bite the hook."
She keeps it up the whole time she's scanning my items "10% this, 10% that..."
I of course put it off on K like he's some kind of terrible overlord and say "my husband would kill me, we only have one credit card, on purpose."
(That is kinda true he wouldn't be happy about it, but no one's more anti-credit card than me. They scare me.)
She finishes scanning and says in a tone like I'm giving away a winning lotto ticket to a bum on the street "you could have saved $13.00 just now."
$13.00!! Oh my gosh, are you serious?! $13.00?! Holy Mary and Joseph, sign me up!

Don't sell to me!



The only thing that would make this pyramid scarier, is if it had a mummy in it.

I made it though with my cool completely in tact

I needed to go to Safeway to get a few things. Cricket was due for a nap, but I was gonna make it fast, becuase I didn't want to get out again.

I step into a Safeway I rarely go to. It's like a mini grocery store. I didn't want to get a basket because I had her in the stroller. "I'm just getting some fruit and formula," I thought, I'll just carry it in my hands. That was working fine. I gave her a bag of Fuji's to play with to keep her happy until she dropped it on the floor. "Okay, here have some nectarines." And rolling along we went down another aisle.

"Crap, I need baby food too."
I used the canopy of her umbrella stoller to hold the produce bags while I held the can of formula and the jars of baby food in my hands whileI pushed the stroller.
People that passed me in the store kinda gave me looks, but since I've had the pink hair, nobody smiles at me anymore. Oh well.

I get to the front of the store and there are two lanes open with about 4 people in each one.
"Oh no, it's lunch time, bad time to shop!"

I seriously considered leaving all the stuff on the Kodak counter and exiting the store right then. But there was rumor of another checkstand opening and I had bagged the fruit, I would feel terrible leaving it there.
"We'll wait it out."

Of course as the other lane opens up, some carts from my lane go thataway.
As I'm stepping up in line this little old lady gets in front of me. I fought my first instinct to make a face at her. But she was so old and she had like a box of gingersnaps and a beet in her cart, who cares.

Cricket still had the bag of nectarines in her grasp when I got up to the conveyor belt. I picked them out of her hands only to find that she had been gnawing on them through the plastic. She had practically eaten half of one and probably a little film as well. Nice.
That's probably why I was getting weird looks.

I swiped my card, I signed the screen, and then it went blank.

"Did you hit OK?" the frantic checker asked me.
"Yeah it just went blank, " I said wideeyed.

"Okay, it froze it'll be a few minutes."
It's my static field! I break all computers with my static field! I thought
As she's rebooting, I look behind me and there's a long line of people, probably on their lunch break looking expectantly at me.

And then the baby starts crying.

The little trooper had done pretty good so far, so even if she freaked out at that point I couldn't blame her. I tried to entertain her with my keys while about 3 minutes passed until she could finally give me my receipt and use the checkstand again.

I try very hard not to get crazy-chicken when I'm out with the baby. Because it makes me tense when I see other moms making the "I'm so stressed out" face. Plus, after the plane ride to TX, nothing phases me. :)

ok, so there are now TWO minivans I would drive

In addition to the new VW Microbus that is still in its concept phase, I would also drive the Dodge Kahuna.

How cute is that? And hello! I live in California, it's a necessity.

Too bad it's also still in it's concept phase. I'll wait for it. In fact, VW and Dodge, let's have a race. Whoever gets their cool minivan on the market first, I'll buy it.

for once, Eddie Vedder is right.

Ticketmaster is the devil!
$8.50 service charge?!
$8.50?!?!

Jerks.

I thought I'd outsmart them, after being outraged at the charge online, and drive to a local outlet and buy my ticket to Reverend Horton Heat there. Nope, same service charge!
For what? The drug addict behind the counter to check my driver's license and put the ticket in the little envelope?

Jerks.

gracious thanks to Mr. Abell

The kitchen is actually further along than this tonight, but this was the last photo I've taken. Plus, it features Sean, our friend the high school woodshop teacher!
Who better to help install cabinets? Who better to replace feeble me? Who better to build a penninsula support all by himself?
Nobody.
Three cheers for Sean. He saved us from a few fights I'm sure.

If you're a hairdresser, stop reading this now.

I will probably welch on this decree, but I'm saying it anyway:
I am never going back to a hairdresser!
I did my own hair this afternoon and it came out exactly how I wanted it.
9 months ago I spent $130.00 to go to a "good" hairdresser to get the same look, but she didn't do it right, condescended me and kept me in a chair for 4 hours.

Today's coiffure by moi only cost 10 bucks.

And it looks like this!




Perfect! I always do my hair better than anyone else.
I may have slightly dyed the shower pink, but it was worth it.
(and yes I had a little photo party with me and the dogs.)

Baby Tuesday

One video. Sorry folks, I got more photos of me this week, than of her. But you get to see the bug in live action. :)


She's a meddler. If there's something to be got into, she's into it.
"Can I pull this down?...Yes I can, I can pull all of this down. Better get to it, there's alot of stuff to meddle in."

oh and..

...I "broke" both of our laptops. More guilt.
I don't think it's anything I specifically did, but I was the last one using them when they kicked their legs up and died.
One of them was Kevin's work computer, and he's on-call.
He was up late fixing this big dinosaur desktop PC in case he got a work call last night.
Now I'm using it and probably well on my way to breaking it.

I think I harbor alot of static electricity....( :) )

this trumps the JW guilt, 3 fold

I volunteer at our church doing what I call "directing." I control everything that goes up on our big screen, the lights and the videos. (They call it "computer," whatever.)
Anyway, it's important.
It's a little stressful too. Like if I screw up a slide on the screen the music leader forgets the lyrics and embarrasses himself it's my fault. And if the speaker is referencing an image and I can't find it, then he'll be like "there's SUPPOSED to be a map of Jordan" and looks at me expectantly until I get it.
But I love doing it, even though it's stressful it's fun.
Occasionally I would have nightmares that I just totally would forget to go. And wake up and think "whew, it's okay, it's not my week this week."

But.
Yesterday...

TOTALLY FORGOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This may not seem like a big deal to the readers of this blog, but I feel like I just ran someone over with my car and killed them! That's the guilt level I have.
I not only feel completely horribly guilty, but I'm so embarrassed. I'm the youngest person who volunteers in the techincal stuff. I already feel like a dumb little girl to begin with, and now this. Totally blew it.

I realized it at 11am, after two of the three services had already happened. Adrenaline rushed, panic set in.
I was holding Cricket, knowing that I couldn't even show up for the third service because Kevin wouldn't be home for a few hours to watch her.
I called and groveled and apologized to 2 of the like 10 people I affected, on their voice mail. That barely put a dent in my guilt.

This is how it happened, aka My sorry excuses for ruining church:
We've been doing constructin so our house is all disorganized. Normally I have the schedule on the front of the fridge, but since it was in the dining room and the baby can get to the papers on the front I put it elsewhere. Elsewhere where I didn't look at it.
And normally they would have called me (which they did, 6 times!) but my cell phone was off. I turned it off Saturday night because it was beeping the "charge me" beep, and I was so irritated with other things that night that I was just like "shut up phone, I don't know where the charger is, I'm just going to turn you off."

Uggghh!!!!

So yes, I still feel terrible. I can't shake it.

There's an email in my inbox from the guy who's in charge of everything, one of the ones I begged forgiveness from on his voice mail.

I haven't opened it. I'm scared to.

So, now I'll go open it and read it. And then I'll paste it in here...

...alright I'm feeling better, here's the email:

Wow…that was the finest piece of ‘groveling’ I think I’ve heard in a long time! Thanks for your voicemail. Yeah, we missed you this morning. I was able to call Dawnette and she rolled in just in time for the 1st service and covered the morning. Don’t feel bad..you aren’t the first person on our team that’s ever had that happen. I actually thought I had messed up somehow and was even more confused when I saw Kevin walk in to the first service. I’ll look for a time when you might be able to sub for her.

Don’t fret over it…erh…uh…just don’t let it happen again or I’ll be forced to give you a considerable cut in financial remuneration or make you pay some kind of video tech penance.

God bless Dawnette.

We're all so complicated, aren't we?

Let me preface this by saying, I am not complaining about anything.

Does anybody else sometimes wish they were Amish? How nice would that be? It's like the good aspects of school uniforms applied to your entire life. Simplicity.
Except I would want air conditioning. And Tylenol. But otherwise, this wouldn't be bad:


Well okay, maybe this is more what I mean:



Ahhhh.

say no to those who knock on your door

I normally never open the door for people I don't know and aren't wearing a delivery uniform. But they spotted me through the window as they were walking up. They knew I was home. Two women holding black books.
Dammit.
The baby's crying because the stucco guys won't stop banging on the wall outside, and I look like I just rolled out of bed. I open the door and the bad dogs run out and jump on them, mostly the little 3 year old girl that was with them.
Dammit.
"Maybe they just want to tell me about Jesus, in that case I can say 'I already know Him,' and I'll smile and they'll leave."
"Hi were just in the neighborhood today. Maybe you've seen these publications?"
She holds up a copy of The Watchtower.
*woo woo woo woo* alarm! alarm!
Jehovah Witnesses!
"Oh no. No thanks."
And I close the door in their face.

Then I feel guilty. Jesus wants me to have a dicussion with them and explain why their faith doesn't compute. I should to tell people the truth and not avoid it. But I failed the test. And that poor little girl that Mojito jumped all over, is going to grow up with lies, no birthday parties and no halloween candy.

Guilt!

Baby Tuesday, early bird special

Since the laptop is still in the electronic ICU, I am at the mercy of Kevin's work laptop and only when he's home and sets it up for me because it's Linux and has all kinds of crazy passwords. Therefore, instead of waiting until tomorrow evening to beg him to let me use his computer, I begged him tonight to upload the files for an early Baby Tuesday.

She's 9 months old now. Which means she still can't walk or talk. But she can kinda stand on her own, feed herself and feed the dogs even better. She now despises anything on her head, so hats are off the menu for a while.







What was I thinking filming this sideways? Duh!
Anyway, this showcases her new "Cri-kee" toy I bought off of Ebay for her. (It's the lucky cricket from Mulan)




I filmed this one tonight. Today was a little disorganized. Naps and feeding schedules were secondary to running kitchen remodeling errands. Not that she didn't get naps and food, but they came at odd hours so she was up kinda late. She thinks everything is funny right before she crashes.

I could have found more substance on SpikeTV

If you're located anywhere on the plane of Christianity you're familiar with the controversy over the DaVinci Code.

The first I heard of it was way back when it was first published and my boss asked me my opinion of it. Since I had never heard of it, I said "I'll have to get back to you on my official judgement."

I surfed around on the net, and it seemed the concensus of the Evangelical internet was that it was heresy. Not Spanish Inquisition heresy, but still purposefully contrary to what the Bible states.
So my official opinion was "not good." And I went about my business not really caring about it.

Then last year our church spent a few Sundays countering the book. Not getting their panties in a wad, but just covering some ideas that are presented in DaVinci Code that are blatantly untrue and why.

Fine.

But then I heard of churches rewriting their mission statements according to Dan Brown's book. It sounded like some people's faith was severely shaken by this book of progressive thought. It was sweeping the nation! Tom Hanks agreed to play the leading role in the movie!

"Okay, I guess I should read it." But I didn't. Just like I never read Passage to India in 10th grade.

However the last time I was in TX, Aurora gave me the book on CD. (I think she already listened to it.) And as Kevin and I were painting the kitchen we thought listening to a book would be a nice way to pass the time. Ding! DaVinci time.

So I'm listening. Waiting to hear the genius....still waiting...Where is the genius writing?...I can't find it.
Is this for adults? This is like a 6th grade reading level, even more it was written to make the reader feel smart for following bread crumb trails to obvious plot turns. It was like a Jon Travolta blockbuster movie that was adapted to novel form.

The characters were painfully cliche. Everything was cliche. It was like riding along on a senior citizen bus tour of Anglo Saxon Europe hosted by Indiana Jones.

And Dan Brown's sittin' on a big pile of money for it. Good heavens.

And I'm not talking about the faith matters discussed in the book at all. All of the above criticism applies whether it was talking about Jesus or not.

But yes, all of the Christianity related stuff was totally cacamamie. The most of the story hinges on the idea that the Catholic Church has oppressed the "sacred feminine" side of Christianity. Really? Am I the only one who sees giant statues of the Virgin Mary all over the world? Pray the Rosary? Holy Mary Mother of God?
I couldn't suspend my disbelief. It was all so silly.

Which is fine in itself. It's a made up story, without any basis in reality, concerning Christ or not.
But what is everyone so bent out of shape for? Anyone who has their faith in Jesus shaken by this story, had problems to begin with, I think.

I mean, with Jurassic Park, man that was a good book. A smart book. It deserved the hype.
DaVinci Code, no.
I can't believe that guy has made so much money on Colombo goes to the Lourve.

is this how prairie people did it?

I was thumbing through one of K's Make magazines and saw that there was a How-To on making a wind power generator. I was kinda interested because I've been considering making my own outdoor fountain and thought "hmm, maybe instead of wiring it to PG&E, I could run it on wind power."
But then I saw how involved it was and thought "nevermind, out of my league."
However, I did see that the guy that wrote the How To makes these windmills all the time and goes down to Mexico to help villages set up their own power. It also gave his website: Vela Creations.
If you scoot around on their site, it's interesting how these 20-somethings live and what they do with their time. I'm not tough enough to do it. I can't even handle camping much less living on 20 acres of desert in West Texas.

the little shoulder devil wins again

During kitchen construction, we're using disposable dishes. When I made the decision to do so, I thought, "I'll rinse the plastic cups and forks and recycle them, and the paper plates will biodegrade."
And for the first few weeks I was doing good, not only was I rinsing and recycling, but I was also cooking alot with the George Foreman and a hot plate.

But now, it's all gone to pot.

I'm throwing away so much. And I haven't eaten this much fast food since freshman year of college. I'm too lazy to walk to the bathroom to rinse out even the baby food jars. In the trash they go. Anything that needs rinsing or deconstructing, gets trashed.

I try to harden my heart about it and not care what I'm doing, but I keep hearing this tape in my head "Food containers are #1 component of landfills!"

I'm turning myself in. I am personally to blame for global warming. Call Al Gore (who I love!), tell him to come arrest me, and the polar ice caps will return to normal. It's not fossil fuels or CFC's, it's me.

Baby Tuesday

Just one video this week. Next week she'll be 9 months old so I'll be sure to take lots of photos.


I saw this chair at IKEA a couple of months ago. I didn't even look at the price (which was high) and thought "oh that's an older kids chair," and laughed when I saw kids jump in them and shut the front.
Then IKEA had a sale, a sale to astound even the seasoned bargain hunter. The pod chairs were on sale big time, and if there was ever a time to get one, the time was now!
And look, even though she can't get in or out of it on her own, she loves it.

And yes she's wearing a bow on her head because no matter how much pink or floral print I put her in, people still say "what a cute boy" I guess because her hair's so short? JRock bought the bow for her, btw.



AND! Thank you to Great Aunt Tricia in San Antonio for sending Cricket shwag! I love it!! I feel presure to name the next baby Cingular so there won't be jealousy. :D

No Solicitors

Any of you that are Myspace have probably had some band you don't know, ask to be your "friend."

No, on principle, no.

But I must bring to your attention a one man band that has requested my friendship more than once, and can't take no for an answer.
3CE

How did you find me? What qualified me as a potential fan? I wonder.

Your music isn't completely horrible. You're probably a nice guy too, but your press shots are too Teen Beat for my taste.
But all I am is another tick mark on your friend score so that you can show record labels how many people like your music so you can make more money, I'm sorry C3PO, or whoever you are, I won't be your friend, and I won't buy your long distance or your floor cleaner.

Try the girls on the next pages who can't wait to get home from school so they can watch TRL.

Thankfully they left all my ignorant teeth.

Back when I was about 12 yrs old my dentist told my mom, "she's gonna need those wisdom teeth out."

And just like when he suggested that I needed braces, and my mom declined, I thought I was lucky I didn't have to do it.

But now I want braces, in the near future anyway, because I'm tired of having Madonna teeth. And my dentist said "then those wisdom teeth are gonna have to come out."

I tried asking them nicely.
"Listen here teeth, you're smart fellows, why don't you just pack up and leave, and I won't have to make this a messy ordeal. Okay?"

They weren't agreeable to leaving, quite settled in I guess, after all these years, so I made an appointment with a hired goon.

(yes a doctor, not a goon)

The ordeal went something like this:

Receptionist: Have you eaten or drank anything?
Me: No.
Nurse: Have you eaten or drank anything?
Me: No.
Doctor: Have you eaten or drank anything?
Me: Gosh, this is like being interrogated, I guess if I had eaten anything I would have slipped up by now and my stories wouldn't match up.
Doctor: What?
Me: No.

Then needle in the elbow-pit, hair net on the head, oxygen mask on the nose, and goodnight folks I'll catch you on the flipside.

I asked to be knocked out, because that's what everyone says to do.
I woke up just like I had come out of an accidental nap in class. I vaguely remember coming home. My first moment of clarity was waking up on a bloody pillow. I guess they didn't tell my husband not to let me sleep on my face.

I had never been prescribed heavy painkillers before. Vicodin was what they ordered for me. I expected to proclaim I was the lost Emperess of Prussia or for John Lennon's ghost to start talking to me after taking them, but no. My teeth just didn't hurt as much and it made sleeping on my back easier. I'm on Tylenol today, seems the same to me. I guess this means I won't have to check myself into the Betty Ford clinic anytime in my life.

Kevin just came by to ask me what I was doing and I said "blogging about my teeth."
And he said "Oh these? They're right here," and handed me a little envelope stuffed with gauze lump.
"Ewww."
What am I supposed to do with them anyway? Test my faith of the tooth fairy?