guilt!

Today I went in to the Dr to check on things and then they sent me over to the hospital (next door) to do a non stress test.
I'll spare those of you with weak consitutions the specific medical details of what stage I'm at, but let's say I'm physically halfway to ready-to-push, roughly speaking.
All these little factors say that I could pop at anytime, but I don't feel like it at all. I'm not having real contractions, I'm not puffy or dizzy, etc.
Plus, I mean I'm still 9 days away from the actual due date.

So I asked the midwife "gimme the pros and cons of, let's say, inducing tomorrow."

And I pretty much knew the pros, but I was waiting for a con that would convince me not to be so selfish as to up the baby's arrival for no medical reason.
All she said was "he could turn the way he wants to turn...but he's already in a good position."

Hmm. Okay.

So since I'm there alone, I tell her I'll discuss it with the Sir and call her later if we decide to go for it tomorrow.

On the drive home I start thinking about all the things I don't want to happen with the delivery:
I don't want to start labor in the middle of the night: everyone involved will be tired then.
I don't want to have a long [first stage] labor at home during the day (with the toddler around, wanting to be held)
I don't want my water to break inside the house. (I know I'll be the one cleaning that up when I get home from the hospital 3 days later. Not pretty)
If it's a short labor like most believe it will be, I don't want to be stranded somewhere with a toddler and everyone who could help me is at least 30 minutes away at work.

All of those possibilities could be eliminated if I induced.
But all of those possibilities are about me.
Nevermind he wants to stay in there and hang out and get bigger and fatter.
Or that God is control of everything and I shouldn't meddle if there's nothing wrong.

Obviously the reasons to induce outweighed the reasons not to, so I called the midwife tonight and told her "how about Thursday?"
I'm scheduled for 7:30AM Mar. 1st. Officially a week early.

I'm riddled with guilt over it and I feel completely self-serving.
I'm telling myself stress is bad for labor, and stress held up my delivery last time so I should minimize stress whereever possible.
The truth is, I'm really just stressing these two days beforehand instead of on the day when he would naturally come.

I feel alone about it too.
It wouldn't matter if I had twenty friends and family around me right now, I'd still feel the pressure lies soley on me to make the right decision.
I don't think either is right. I can pick bad or bad, one is probably slightly less bad, and we won't ever know which is worse, because you can't do both.

And you know what's not helping right now?
Baby C is "mooing" in her crib down the hall. She's supposed to be sleeping but she woke up and is tired-crying. She's been at it for about 15 min and will probably fall back asleep any minute, but I can feel my shoulders tightening as I type this.
(I blame Franklin and his super sonic snoring in the next room.)